Let’s talk about that relative. You know, the one who’s a little off? The one you try not to sit next to at holiday dinners? The one who probably has a UFO story in his back pocket? The mystery behind the new drama Caroline and Jackie is which sister is that one. Yes, they’re throwing a birthday intervention for Jackie (sidebar: ouch), but Caroline is the one dancing solo in the living room, without any music. So, you tell me. … Read More
On the Couch
On the Couch: Bad Mom Movies
This time of year, you can always spot the folks who would rather read a terrifying feature on Syrian atrocities than another piece on What I Learned From My Amazing Mother Who Raised Me Perfectly And Never Drank. This week’s column is for those people. If you’re looking for a way to manage your anti-Mother’s Day rage, then here is a hand-tailored list of moms who don’t deserve any mimosas. Pour yourself one, and enjoy.
On the Couch: Filly Brown
Selling out: it’s the caveat to the American dream. Whether you’re an artist, a writer, or an up-and-coming teenage rap star (as dramatized in the new film Filly Brown), at some point you’ll be asked to do it for money—if you’re very, very lucky. My advice? Embrace it. If you get the chance to go mainstream, then jump in and start swimming! You can still be as controversial and indie as you want, in the privacy of your multi-million dollar … Read More
On the Couch: Simon Killer
Hey there—yes, you in the sweatpants, weeping into your couch cushions. Looks like you’re going through a pretty tough breakup, but I’m here to tell you that you look great. Especially when you consider that this scenario could have been a lot worse. You could have, say, pulled a Simon Killer: leave the country, take up with a hooker and start maybe-murdering people, all in the name of your crappy ex-girlfriend. (Okay, drama queen, whatever happened to the classics: crying, … Read More
On the Couch: Dark Circles
The new spooky film Dark Circles tells the tale of two new parents whose home may be haunted by restless spirits of the recently deceased. Or maybe they’re just super tired. (Word on the street is new babies are quite the life-suck.) It’s a tricky business sorting the ghosts in your house from the bats in your belfry, but I’m here to help—just as soon as the lights stop flickering and this transparent gentleman leaves.
On the Couch: Lotus Eaters
Who’s had it with rich kids and their problems? Oh, everyone? Thought so. But don’t try and tell me that rich-kid-itis isn’t a legitimate problem, because anyone who’s watched reality television knows that it is. Let’s take some time to feel sorry for them, and then let’s ignore them forever. Then they can pay someone to pay attention.
On the Couch: Blancanieves
I’ve had it with wicked stepmothers. This week I hunted (and scavenged, and scraped) for films that celebrate the un-sucky stepparent. It was a challenge, but I’ve got ‘em. This one’s for you, un-wicked stepmoms and dads out there. Send the rugrats off to the bio-parents tonight. You deserve a break and a half.
On the Couch: Ginger & Rosa
There are few things more dramatic than a romantic break-up. Except a friendship break-up can be even worse. We’ve all participated in the drifting apart, moving away, easing out of touch from a friend thing before, and that’s a part of life’s natural progression. What I’m referring to is the scenario in which you hysterically scream at each other in a mall parking lot because you fundamentally disagree over the ending of Inception.
On the Couch: The End of Love
Did you guys know that single parenthood is hard? Turns out every Disney musical lied to us. Raising a kid with four hands on deck is hard enough; when you take away two of them in an untimely death, it’s significantly less adorable and choreographed. This week I raise my glass to you, singles-with-kids. Get yourself a babysitter, and let’s remind you of why you’re awesome.
