You’re not special. Oh sure, we’re all little snowflakes of wonder making this world ever more interesting with our own brand of weirdness and hair choices. But when your mom said your third-grade essay on earthworms was the most brilliant thing she ever read? She was lying to your little face. If you want to see some pint-sized talent, you can check out the new documentary First Position. How’s that compare to your ballet recital? Well, weep not, my little mediocrities. The life of a wunderkind is rarely a blast. Despite their talents, these kids usually end up crushed by the weight of their own awesomeness. Check out the drama experienced by these gifted children and you’ll feel much better about being a B-.
Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm
Here’s every Shirley Temple movie: beloved mop-top tap dances her way out of trouble and into riches; dimples & ringlets triumph over adversity! Right? Ha. That’s what they want you to believe. Welcome to another edition of Kelsey Stomps On Your Childhood Memories. Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm follows a triple-threat orphan as she’s shuttled from home to wayward home by relatives who give like half a crap about her. Oh sure, the take notice when she sings, because ka-ching! But even so much as a sore throat relegates her back to farmhand status. At one point Shirley is literally sold for 5k. A pretty penny in 1938, but they might have let her leave the room first. I guess the white slavery ending didn’t test well, so the film closes with Shirley and Bill Robinson dressed as toy soldiers, tap dancing on some stairs. All better!
I’m not totally sure how to categorize Powder in terms of giftedness. He’s kind of a crossbreed of the genius-freakshow-magical categories. Maybe that’s why his gifted punishment is endless. Oh man, what doesn’t happen to Powder? First, Powder is named POWDER. He’s a friendless orphan who lives underground like a mole-person. Oh, and he’s kind of pale. I’d hug him if I didn’t want to punch his whiney face, because this dude spends 80% of his time crying. But I guess it’s all worth it, since he can make spoons stick together.
Searching for Bobby Fischer
Ah yes, the ever-popular chess prodigy. True, you’re technically playing games all day. But even when you win, you’re kind of a total loser. Say goodbye to sunshine, kiddo. Your hero, Bobby Fischer, is an anti-Semitic maniac (fun fact: Fischer was pro-9/11. For reals!) who vanished before he even had time to develop a public drinking problem. And your only friends are mean old dudes to tell you you’re not as good as him. Also, he’s not saying it yet, but it’s pretty clear that your father hates you. Maybe you should’ve tried checkers, bro.
Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows: Part II
I never get so unreasonably jealous than when I’m reading or watching Harry Potter. Magic wands, the power of flight, butter beer?? Life is so ridiculously unfair. Then again. No one has ever prophesied my fate to either commit murder or untimely death, nor am I responsible for the future existence of my own species. So. Nah, I’m still mad.
The Sixth Sense
Remember playing with the Ouji board? Someone would exhale and the thingie would move a centimeter, and everyone would freak the hell out. Probably wouldn’t be so awesome if a bloody ghoul jumped out of the board and demanded you and all your sleepover buddies bear witness to its brutal death. I mean, it’d be cool for second. Then you’d wind up like this poor kid. Yeah, you’re so special you get to be tormented by the restless dead for ever and ever. The only solution? Listen to their whining and maybe they’ll go away. If not, they’ll beat the crap out of you. Magic!
Need a good scream? Got an un-fixable problem? Or some really good gossip? I’m listening!
I feel super gross and fat and not ready for summer wedding season. Any tips on losing weight before next month?
Ugh, too easy. Did you really think I was going to suggest some thinspirational film to help you out wit this pity party? (If I was, it would be The Virgin Suicides, fyi.) My weight loss tips? Eat less, exercise more. Ta da! But your brain needs some nutrition, friend. Please oh please, just watch Real Women Have Curves and get some girly, inspirational laughs. Laughing burns calories too.