Happy anniversary, on-the-couch potatoes! It’s been a year of trials and tears and more incest jokes than a girl could ask for. We’ve slogged through a plethora of personal problems, from loving your mom to hating your children. But before you go asking if our time is up, there are a few more areas I’d like to cover. For instance, that time your girlfriend ran you over? Talk more about that. Most people don’t realize that there is a sixty-four percent chance their partner is a homicidal maniac (sixty-eight percent in some states). Thank goodness we have films like The Woman in the Fifth to shed light on this rapidly growing crisis. To further assist, I’ve rounded up five more films to help you determine if you’re one of the many who’s sleeping with the enemy. Yes, I think we still have a good deal of work to do. I’ve got the tissues if you’ve got the time.
The Thomas Crown Affair
Look, your girlfriend is totally hot, bro. She wears see-through ball gowns and speaks German when necessary—no one’s going to argue that you didn’t bag a total babe. I might point out, however, that she’s contractually obligated to throw your ass in jail, and sooner or later the see-through-dress-dancing is going to come to an end. True, you are a bazillionaire with a flair for high-stakes magic tricks, but I still recommend cooling things off with this chick. You just don’t mess with a German-speaking redhead.
Romeo & Juliet
Look, I didn’t say you shouldn’t be sleeping with the enemy. Just because your parents hate one another and your cousins won’t knock it off with the swordplay doesn’t mean you two shouldn’t go for it. I mean, there’s nothing like forbidden love and teenage marriage to liven up an otherwise boring summer. Then, when it’s all over, you die!
The Crush
Sleeping with teenagers is a classic move—the Chanel suit of sexual impropriety. Still, it comes with considerable risk. Not to the child whose body and mind you are violating: I’m worried about you! Known to be moody and impulsive, teenagers also tend get pretty murder-y when jilted. Just bear this in mind the next time your midlife crisis starts to flare up. If she’s under 18, don’t sleep with her. Because she’ll kill you.
Twilight
Yeah that’s right, Twilight. Someone’s got to say it and I guess I’m going to be the hero. Hey ladies—and by ladies I mean 11-year-olds currently fantasizing about a super sexy death-by-chomping—don’t make-out with the walking dead. If your boyfriend really, really, really wants to kill you: dealbreaker. True, he may be cranky, rude and as warm as the frozen foods section, but try your best to resist. Don’t dangle the possibility of letting him get in your…arteries. You’re liable to wind up exsanguinated, pregnant and trapped in high school forever.
Fear
Let’s not leave out the living fellas with a thirst for blood. If your guy has your name carved into his chest, and it’s not Valentine’s Day, raise an eyebrow. If you find your dog’s head in the kitchen, and he “can’t find” the giant meat saw you gave him for his birthday—have the talk. If he’s got your dad taped up and bleeding in the closet? Ask yourself: aren’t you tired of these mixed messages?
Need a good scream? Got an un-fixable problem? Or some really good gossip? I’m listening!
Email: comeinandhaveaseat@gmail.com
Twitter: @mskelseymiller
I agree with your view completely, Sarah Connor was the heart and soul of the first two films. Removing her was the gbgiest mistake they made. 3 was essentially a remake of 2 which was essentially a remake of 1. At least 4 tried something different. Of course that was a failure too.The best part of 3 was the ending, the Terminator I felt no threat from at all and without even the continuity of the T2 John Connor actor the film just felt empty.Salvation was a mess that apparently had massive re-write a month out form shooting then even more re-writes during filming to expand the John Connor role and you can tell. there is was too many leaps of logic in that film.
Dear SPAM,
You are already doing a great job being weird, incomprehensible, Terminator-related SPAM. I don’t think you need any of my help. You go, SPAM.
Sincerely,
Kelsey
