This time of year, we’re asked to bring our A-game, to navigate an onslaught of family bonding and constant, mandatory merrymaking. It’s not for sissies. My personal approach is to carve out a few nights to fake being sick, stay home with my television, and enjoy the company of no one. Not only is me-time a necessary sanity-saver, it gives me a chance to indulge in holiday movies that just won’t feel appropriate come January.
Tag Archives: On the couch
However. If you and your family observe the more contemporary practice of escalated rage and Pinot-fueled ass-hattery, highlighted by interludes of tearful binge-eating, then I suggest you hunker down and remember what you really have to be thankful for: fiction. To that end, I present a list of films I’m thankful for this year—films defined by their joyful unreality or distracting absurdity, or by the fact that they’re just really, really good.
We’ve all been raised on fairytales of perfect, shiny, perpetually blown-out princesses (which Kate Middleton and her perma-grin aren’t exactly helping to debunk), but they have their issues too. This week I’m taking out the world’s tiniest violin and playing a tune for these Princess Problems. It could be as minor as showing up in the same tiara as someone else, or as major as being threatened with a beheading. A lot can happen in a reign.
Here’s how it’s going to go down: I will spend the next three weeks rolling my eyes with all my cool friends and scoffing about how I would sooner die in a helicopter crash than see About Time. Then one day I’ll have a few glasses of wine and suggest we see it, “As a total hate-watch, obviously obviously obviously.” And then we’ll go see it, and I will pretend like I’m hate-watching but really I will be loving-it-so-much-I-hate-myself-watching.
With everyone else out re-watching The Exorcist, I’m turning my attention to some truly scary movies. Yes, a teenager possessed by the living soul of Satan might give you a good jump, but it’s nothing compared to the time you bought four EPT tests, then prayed out loud for the entire cab ride home. Forget the gore, folks. Let’s look at movies that are really terrifying. Halloween is spooky. Life is fucking scary.
Some people just cannot get over it. Some film studios can’t either, seeing as this month’s release of Great Expectations marks the fifteenth adaptation of Charles Dickens’ novel. This week I speak to both studio executives and dumped exes alike: it’s time to get over your old love and move on to a new paramour. Meet some new people. Get some new stories to tell. For God’s sake, buy a new dress.
Who doesn’t yearn for a second identity every once in a while? There’d probably be a lot more furtive prostitution in this world if none of us had day jobs. But even if you’re thinking of taking the plunge (maybe your wife and kids are boring, and you’d like a second set?) living a double life comes with very specific problems. Luckily, there are about five hundred films about this subject, and I’ve selected the five best to help you … Read More
This week I’d like to brighten your day by pointing out that there are some issues you will never have to deal with. We all know that movie romances can be unrealistic, but even in otherwise realistic milieus, big screen relationships wind up being just eye-rollingly silly. Case in point: Nicole Holofcener’s latest, Enough Said. This one’s a doozy.
A lot of people are raising a lot of eyebrows over the new film Adore. This very sensual drama features two besties hanging at the beach and indulging in some May-September boot-knocking with local teenage dreamboats. Another way to describe it is them having sex with each other’s children. Hence, the eyebrow raising. But even without almost-incest twists, the older woman with younger man dynamic has proven to be a minefield for filmmakers and audiences alike.