Hey, buddy! Hey, platonic friend! You’re in a bit of a situation. Everyone knows it but you (you and most screenwriters at one point in their careers). You’re in love with—queue the sidelong glance—your best friend. Maybe you grew up taking shared baths like brother and sister, but now you want to take bath-time to the next level. Every birthday card is a barely-concealed declaration of love. Your phone can hardly handle the mounting sexual tension. Every time they say hey, what you hear is “Hey, lover.” Listen pally, you don’t have a clue. Why? Because you won’t open your trap and say something! I don’t have ninety minutes and a bag of popcorn to watch you figure it out, so let me leave you with five excellent reasons to spill your guts. Then let’s both get on with our lives, ‘kay?
When Harry Met Sally
Twelve. Years. One of the (many, many) deceptions this film is guilty of is that it’s just a quick little comedy, and doesn’t properly convey the fact that an era has passed before the couple figures out that they’re a couple. Oh, Billy Crystal has a beard for like a minute, and Meg Ryan puts on glasses, but essentially, they’re the exact same people in every way. Guess who’s not Meg Ryan? You! Also, all your friends have been planning your wedding through 1.5 presidential administrations. Put them out of their misery, and shack up already. You guys are old.
My Best Friend’s Wedding
No one like’s a third wheel—especially one that’s stealing cars and forging letters and generally behaving like the world’s oldest sixth-grader. Woman, get a grip. Spontaneous musical breaks be damned, there is no way you can out-cute a blushing, blonde bride and bamboozle your way into a marriage. Just get to the grand confessional moment and get your rejection on! Dumped is better than imprisoned.
Some Kind Of Wonderful
I know that your mom, and teachers and the CW network are telling you how vital these years are to your future success and happiness, but all three are pretty much full of it. As far as I can tell, the only things you really need to do before college are get your license and read Bonjour Tristesse. That should leave you plenty of time for meaningless drama and mistakes. So just go all out, John Hughes-style. Maybe you’ll end up mackin’ beneath a streetlamp. Maybe you’ll spend a week sobbing into your pajama sleeve. Either way, you’ll spend the rest of your life making fun of this earlier self. Give yourself something to cringe about.
The Remains of The Day
I can barely make it through 134 minutes of this movie without feeling that life has slipped between my very fingers, and I’m just 134 minutes closer to my cold, solitary grave. Watch it and you’ll see what I mean. Watch this movie, and you’ll confess your secret love to an ATM. Yes, it’s a prime example of the delicious torture that years of unspoken feelings can elicit. It’s all long stares, and throbbing subtext, and then, finally…you both get old and die!
Friends With Kids
So. You’re best friends. You hang out every day. You also once put your bathing suit parts together and made a human being. But, what? You don’t like the same movies? This platonic parenting thing was cute for a minute, but even the toddler is over this charade. Get married for real, instead of just playing house. You’re both far too attractive for this nonsense.
Need a good scream? Got an un-fixable problem? Or some really good gossip? I’m listening!
The summer is almost over, whaaaa!
Tell me about it! It’s 92 and sunny outside. I’m a Zipcar away from the beach, and I’m inside reading about your problems! Let’s lean into this whine, L. I’ve got just the thing.